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Contest: June 30th, 2005

Author: Anood

I was only four or maybe five when I first felt sort of attraction to the other sex. I wouldn't say it was physical attraction, but rather sort of complex mysterious attraction. There was something very strong .. powerful and completely vague driving me into exploring the masculine world.. I grew more curious as I started to learn new terms in life. Sex was the first term to intrigue me and set me out on a search of it. I remember asking my mum about it when I was six..

" What's sex? "

" You'll learn it for yourself when you grow up "

" What do you mean when I grow up? "

" You're too young to learn about it now "

" When am I supposed to learn about it? "

" When you become a woman "

" When will I become a woman "

" When you start your period "

" What's period? "

" See.. I told you sweetie.. It is too early to know about these stuff now.. You'll learn all about it when you .."

"When I become a woman.. " I interrupted feeling disappointed.

" Yeah.. when you become a woman " she shrugged.

I was to ask her in how many years I would become a woman, but gave it up knowing I would never get any satisfactory answer.

Years later I became a woman.. I matured.. and knew all about period but only very little about sex. Mum wasn't there to answer any question. She had gone to a distant place that I had no way to reach it. She left me in a time I needed her most. I cried for several nights after I had had my first period. I didn't understand why it happened to me and why I had for three days to wear that fucking piece of shit to prevent blood going all over my trouser. For a while I hated my mum cos she left me when I badly needed her to be beside me and I hated that period too cos it took away my childhood and innocence. But then I thought to myself, " What would my mum say if she were still there? How would she react if she saw me crying cos I thought I was going to die when I saw blood on my jeans. Maybe she would laugh .. or maybe she would take me in her arms and say .. oh sweetheart.. Now, you've become a young woman .. Now you can learn all what is there about sex.. Now we can talk and talk and talk about men and love..."

Yes.. Men .. Love and Sex .. three things life revolves round .. three things of which I've experienced none.. None?! .. Am I telling the truth? .. Have I really never known a man? Have I really never fallen in love? Am I lying about my virginity? .. The answer does not lie in yes or no.. it is far beyond it ..

When I was of age 13, I decided to fall in love with a friend's brother. I never really loved him but pretended it, hoping that my pretended love would eventually turn into true one. Unfortunately, I was soon heartbroken. After many times I had written to him, he finally wrote me back asking to forget all about him simply because he wasn't willing to fall in love with a girl who came from a different background and who wasn't of his nationality. For months followed, I had a tough time trying to cope with the fact that love doesn't exist between two people who have different cultures. I was deeply heart not cos that guy rejected my love but cos I realised that love wasn't like what I thought.. It wasn't above everything.. It wasn't boundless..

For five years, I buried myself in books, peotry, painting and music. I put love aside and kept men in the margine. Didn't allow myself to get into any serious relationship.. As I turned 18, I decided it was time to end my isolation and I allowed myself for the first time to get into a serious relationship. I fell in love with a Jewish guy. I knew he was Jewish and he knew I was Muslim. We both knew that our love was against our religions, but we were ready to face the world to defend our love. We decided to get married and emigrate to a far away place where neither of our families could find us. But just three days after we had decided to get married, his family found out that he was in love with me and that we were going to marry. His mother threatened me if I didn't stay away from her son, she would destroy my life... " I've warned you bitch.. If you don't stay away from my son, I'll destroy you.. I have no mercy on anybody.. He's my son but not if he marries you.. If he's going to marry you, I'll kill him before he does it. There's nowhere you can hide in.. I'll get you.. You can't escape me.. We JEWS are everywhere.. we control the world... If I couldn't get you ... JEWS will .. "

Her threats worked very well on me, but not on her son. She couldn't force him to leave me. She had no control over him. She knew his love for me was greater than her threats. But what David didn't know about his mother was that she was slave to her beliefs and she was ready to kill him if he gave up his religion and married a girl who was out of his faith.

Leaving David wasn't a choice.. I left him cos I loved him .. I left him not for fear of his mother threats but for fear of losing him forever..

Now, It's been two years since I last saw David. Last night I was reading a book we had bought together and I started crying.. I remembered him.. I remembered his smile when I first met him in a bookshop.. He looked cute and I just loved his smile... I was looking at the books on the shelves and reading the titles out loud.. I didn't notice him standing behind me. I stepped back and hit him. He fell back against the wall.

" Oh Gosh!... I am sorry .. I am really sorry .. you okay? "

" Yes .. uhh .. I am okay .. just .. oww .. my back's hurting little "

" Let me help you .. " .. I leaned down, held his arm and helped him get up.. " I am sorry again .. didn't notice you were behind me "

" Oh .. No .. no .. It's alright .. I was just listening to your Arabic .. It sounded lovely .. I liked it " he smiled

" Oh .. you mean when I was reading the books titles? "

" Yeah " he nodded

" You speak Arabic " I asked

" Just a few words .. But I like the way you ... um .. you .. how can I say it? .. umm .. you know .. I just like the way you speak "

I laughed .. " Hmmmm ..Really? .. I am fluent in Arabic but my English is pretty awaful.. I am still learning it .. but I don't feel like I am making any progress.. I like your American accent.. sounds lovely to me .. People sometimes don't understand my British accent and they laugh at it.. I don't know .. Maybe I should learn the American accent .."

" Bullshit .. Your English sounds pretty good and I like your British accent .. "

" You really do? "

" Yes .. I do "

" Thank you .. Now I feel better .. " I smiled ..

" Sooo .. tell me .. What's your name? " he asked

" Anood "

" Anooooood?! " He said it with a long ''O''.. sounded musical

" No .. just Anood .. with a double "O" .."

" Oww. . I see .. a double "O" followed by "W" right? .. just like the way a British would pronounce the word 'road' or maybe 'root' ..." he laughed

" Yup.. Kinda .. what's yours? "

" David "

" David?! .. Thats not an Arabic name .. but ... "

" But what? "

" You know .."

" No I don't .. tell me .. "

" Ummm .. You don't look like Arab .. but .. there's something in you .. umm .. something .. something .."

" What? .. something .. something .. damn say it .."

" Yeah .. something .. something mysterious! .. I mean damn you say you don't speak Arabic so you're not Arab .. but .."

" But what?? .. you're killing me with your buts .. damn spit it out " He cried

" You're not lying .. you really don't speak Arabic but YOU ARE ARAB " I said the last three words slowly and loudly

" Did I say I am not " he said coldly

" Damn it! .. See .. I knew it .. you're Arab " I cried

" I am .. I am Arab "He laughed out loud

" But how come you're Arab and you don't speak Arabic? "

" cos .... " he hesitated

" cos what? "

" cos ... I am Jewish "

" Jewish! .."

" Yes.. Jewish "

" Wow.."

" wow?? " he raised a brow

" Yeah..Wow .. A big WOW "

" Wow cos I am Jewish? "

" Yup.. "

" I don't get it "

" you don't need to .. tell me .. you're mum and dad are both Jewish? "

" Yeah .. Both are Jewish but mum is French and Dad is Arab. I was born in France.. lived there for 7 years and then we emigrated to the US and lived there for 15 years .. We came here a couple of years ago cos of dad's business "

" Hummm .. I see .. 7 plus 15 plus 2 .. thats twenty three .. oh no .. 24 .. you're 24 now .. 6 years older than me .. you don't look it .. thought you're my age .."

" you're 18? "

" yup .."

" you don't look it either "

" Really? Do I look older? "

" Nope. I mean .. ummm .. your eyes are telling you've experienced much in life "

"Owwww... Is this flattery or what? "

" No .. no .. not flattery .. just what I feel from your words .."

" I use big words sometimes .. maybe thats why .. I try not to, though .. People think you're showing off when using big words .."

" I don't give a shit about people "

" I don't either "

" You can't please everyone afterall "

" Yeah . Very true "

" hey Anooooood! "

"Yes! David "

" Ummmm .. Well .. Can I ... ? "

" Yup .. sure "

" Wait ..."

" I know " said slowly .. " My number "

" Yeah. how did you know? " he asked .. looked surprised..

" I read thoughts " I winked

" No.. seriously "

" I can't tell.. It is secret.."

" Come on .. tell me .. Is it my body language? "

" Nope. It has got nothing to do with your body language "

" So?"

" I said it's secret.. I can't tell you David .."

" Anood " said it angrliy .. " One word.. yes or no ..Are you gonna tell me? "

" David? .. Of course I'll tell you .. It is no secret ..See .. I .. "

" Don't try to play a trick on me .." he interrupted

" No .. no tricks .. "

" Okay .. tell me now .."

" Ummmm .. See .. I don't know how to explain it . I just felt it .."

" felt what? "

" Your thoughts energy "

" Anood " he cried " No big words Please "

" No big words David .. It is emerging from your body .. everything in you .. your emotions .. your memories .. your beliefs .. your past, present and future .. it's all coming out from you.. you don't see it .. you don't feel it .. That's why it is blocked.. cos you don't believe it is there .."

" And you Anood .. Do you see it? .. Do you feel it? "

" No David .. I don't .. I am just like you.. I can neither feel it nor see it.. "

" Yes .. you do .. you have this gift .. you have this power .. you can see the hidden truth but you don't want to tell .. you fear to reveal it .. ... Anood?? .. listen .. you mind dating a Jewish guy?" He looked me straight in the eye .. " Do you mind dating a Jewish guy? " he asked again

I remained silent .. didn't know what to say .. I wasn't shocked .. but .. I don't know why I hesitated .. I didn't want to say no .. and I didn't want to say yes either..

" Answer .. Do you mind dating a Jewish guy? " He cried

" No.. No .. I don't .." I finally answered

" Shit .. Do I have to beg you for a date? " He said angirly

" Sorry David .. but .."

" Please Anood " He cried

" What? "

" No more buts .. I've had enough of your killing buts today "

I laughed out loud ... " Okay ... I was to say .. well .. " ... I felt a little embarrassed ..

" Oh come on girl .. you're too shy .. spit it out .. I won't cut your head off "

" Well .. ummm .. what I wanna say is .. is. ... "

" Is what Anood? You're killing me .. I am losing my cool .. "

" Dating does not necessarily involve sex " I spat it out at last

He didn't say a word .. And I don't know why I shivered as I mentioned sex. what was I afraid of? I could say yes or no. He would not force me afterall. I waited for him to say something .. to break the silence .. but he said nothing .. Was he upset about what I said .. I wasn't sure of my feelings for him anyway.. I suddenly remembered my mum ...

" I never loved him .. I married him cos of unexpected pregnancy. Otherwise I would have never married him. Never let yourself make such a foolish mistake. Never make love with a man you're not in love with " .. She was talking on the phone .. She did not know I came back early from school... When she hanged up, she noticed that I was standing right behind her .. " Mum " I said with tears in my eyes .. " Was your pregnancy of me a foolsih mistake? Did you really never love dad? " She immadiately moved her hand up in the air and slapped me ... it hurt .. it hurt as hell .. didn't know why she slapped me .. I stood motionless for a moment .. couldn't believe that the hand just slapped me was my mum's... She never hit me before .. that wasn't my mum .. that was a cruel woman I never knew .. I rushed to my room .. locked the door and threw myself in bed .. I cried .. I cried the whole evening ...

I looked at David .. I felt the need to cry .. I just wanted to throw myself in his arms and cry ...

" What's up? " .. he finally broke the silence .. " You okay? " he asked ... " Are you okay? " he asked again ... I remained silent ... I was far distant ... I couldn't feel his hand over my shoulder shaking me ... I could only hear his voice .. " What's up Anood? Are you okay? " ... I was floating in some nonexistent place .. I suddenly woke up .. got back to reality ... I looked at him .. took his hand in mines and walked out of the bookshop ... He didn't ask where we were going .. he somehow knew we were following our destiny ...

As we walked out of the bookshop, we started talking about family .. friends and college .. We discussed various topics on politics, modern physics, poetry.. arts .. music .. love .. and even sex .. We discovered lots in common .. we revealed our hidden agendas .. we talked about everything we had long feared to share with other people .. I told him how I cried and thought I was going to die when I first had my period. He luaghed and joked about it several times afterwards which made me regret telling him such a very private thing... I told him how my mum slapped me hard when I discovered that she never loved dad ... I also told him about that Christian boy who spat at me when he knew that the girl sitting next to him in history class was Muslim ... I revealed to him all the painful things I kept in heart and suffered in silence over years. I felt great relief to talk and open my heart to him.

For seven months, we were falling deeply in love .. we went out together almost every day. We played the guitar and piano. I taught him Arabic and he taught me some French. We wrote poetry and painted portriats together. We played tennis, basketball and rode horses in weekends. We had very beautiful days .. wonderful memories ....

David is still living within me .. he's not a memory from the past .. his love hasn't died in my heart .. I can't get him out of my mind .. Everything around me reminds me of him ... even the bed I am lying in .. He's everywhere .. present in every thought .. in everything I touch .. in every place I go to .. There's no way to run away .. I escape him to find him ...

Did I do the right thing when I chose to leave him? ... When I chose to sacrifice our love? ... Should religions be above everything? Above even the greatest thing ever in this universe? .. Above Love ?....

P.S: I've never met David in reality! This story is not real... apart from that guy who rejected my pretended love cos we came from different backgrounds ..



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